2010-2019

I filled out an Instagram story template thingy about the past decade. Honestly, shouldn’t have done it because there’s no way that I can sum up entire years in a few words. I can barely sum up my lunch order in a few words.

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Lucky for me, I re-started blogging.

The truth is that this decade–this life isn’t a list of achievements or big events. It’s sheer layers that overlap each other–sometimes really heavily in some spots. Sometimes it’s a pretty light coverage. It doesn’t seem fair to post a highlight reel of the past decade while ignoring the painful parts–the parts that created me the very most, if I’m being honest.

In 2011, Ryan and I started dating. And it was new and it was exciting and thrilling. It was also the year that we lost one of our dearest, life-longest friends. I still can’t even talk about him. For the longest time I thought it was because it was still too new but I’m just now realizing it’s been close to a decade and it’s still so close to the bone.

Getting married in 2015 was a dream! I’m so happy that it happened. But we should have freakin’ eloped. I think about how much we left our friends to do… like twice a month. I think of writing apology/ thank you notes very, very often. If you’re reading this and you’re wondering if you should elope… okay I’m not going to tell you what to do but if you’re seriously considering it, you should seriously consider it more.

In 2017, I came out and that was one of the most liberating events of my life. And it came with so much pain and trauma and awkwardness. It decimated some friendships and irrevocably altered some familial relationships. It also… strengthened other friendships, bonded my spouse and I closer together and even changed very little. I’ll never get over the way that life plays out in ways that feel so unrealistic. If I were reading a book of my life, I’d have stopped by now because of the unbelievable way the main character keeps making moves. But when you’re living this life, it all unfolds over so much time that it all makes sense.

I started 2010 thinking that I was a Christian, that I was straight, that I never wanted to get married, wanted to make a living writing books, wanted to lose 150 lbs, and needed to live in the city to be happy and satisfied.
I’m ending 2019 with all that shit flipped on its head. I never was any of those things and I didn’t need any of those things.

And I’ve never been more soul-level happy, satisfied, and aware.
This decade has been impossible but we’re doing it and I’m so grateful for all that I am, now.

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