I feel like it’s been a minute since I wrote here and I owe you. But I can’t get my mind to settle in one place long enough to come up with anything too life-changing. So let’s just explore all the different things, shall we?
Grief: We’ll start with this–my Grandfather passed away this past Sunday. I felt lucky that Ryan and I were able to make the drive that morning to visit him and my Grandmother in their shared room at the nursing home where they’ve been living the past few months. It was important to me that we get to go see him since all my siblings live so far away and there was no way they’d be able to make it. I wanted Grandma and Grandpa to feel loved by all of us even if it was by proxy.
It was about a year and a half ago that we heard that Grandpa only had several weeks left, so we have been lucky to have holidays and birthdays since his diagnosis and his death wasn’t the ultimate shock. But it did still kind of feel like it came out of nowhere–especially following the death of Ryan’s grandfather only a few weeks ago. It is a lot of grief all at once and that on top of the seasonal depression that generally pops up during this time of year, and the general state of the world… I’ve had to give myself extra space and time to just let myself feel the way I’m feeling without judgement at all. Let myself bake a chocolate cake with the full intention of not sharing it. Let myself put work aside and watch the entire new season of Easy in one day. It’s fine. Today I’ll put on jeans and take the dog for a walk. I’ll get back into it. Grief is complicated. Grandpa wasn’t a part of my everyday life but his illness has been running in the background of my brain for the past year and a half and at a certain point you’re feeling really regretful about things that you didn’t expect and you have to just allow that because not fighting it is how you move through it like getting out of quicksand.
A few weeks ago, after Ryan’s grandfather died, I asked my sister in law how she was doing. She said, “I don’t want to miss anything. I just want to feel it all.” And I thought that was one of the most brave things I’ve ever heard in my whole life. To willingly and eagerly feel it all–and it’s a lot. And I want it, too.
Roy Moore: It’s a complicated feeling to feel relief that the pedophile that was running for senate didn’t win. Because I’m also really heartbroken that he was allowed to run in the first place and I’m angry that he lost by such a narrow margin. That’s… disgusting to me. They never tell you that part of growing up is seeing how little the people in charge really care about human life. I heard people say that, you know, regardless of what he did or didn’t do, we need a republican in his senate seat. It’s heartbreaking that we would value party over people. Which, I mean, sure, you think that because I’m not a republican it’s easy for me to say that.
But the Democrats just lost Al Franken–who was doing really good and important work. But, honestly, I feel like good fuckin’ riddance to that guy. Because people are more important than politics. That photo of him miming grabbing the breasts of a sleeping woman sends chills down my spine and makes my throat clench. There are a lot of liberal men on my Facebook wall saying that we shouldn’t make Franken resign and they’re all “RIP Al Franken” and that just really grinds my gears. Because how can we expect people of other parties to take care of their own if we’re not willing to do it? Lead by example and what not.
While we’re on the subject, Franken’s announcement of his resignation was an infuriating pity party full of “what I did wasn’t that bad” and “how come the other guys get to keep their jobs?” Come on, dude. You’re a grown adult. I can’t begin to list the various disappointments in this area.
&/Both: Both as a practice and as, you know, the magazine. It’s all I think about. There’s a lot of hard, sad, angry things in my life right now. But you know what else? It’s also Christmas time. And I’m actively getting into the Christmas spirit. The other night after we left Grandpa, we drove around our town and looked at the Christmas lights. I always felt like without kids, Christmas isn’t as fun but that’s really all a matter of perspective. Kids make it easier because they’re so quick to be amazed but you can be amazed all on your own. With a cup of hot cider in your hand and O’ Holy Night on the radio–you can fall on your knees if you let your heart go to that place.
As far as the magazine goes–we’re looking for art to fill our pages. We’re going to talk all about bodies in the next issue. What they look like, what they feel like, how they’re politicized, what they’re capable of, what they do without us even knowing it… if you have any thoughts on this or any art related to this please talk to me.
And if you want to support us, we can talk about advertising. If you don’t have anything to advertise but still want to support us, you know we’ll take it. We need help to get this thing off the ground. We want nothing more than to be able to pay our artists but we need help to get there. So, if women-owned art is the kind of thing you want to support–hit me up.
Thanks for being here for me, showing up for me. You’re wonderful people and I’m grateful to have you.