This holiday season has been… forcibly slowed down for me. Which is something that I didn’t even notice until a friend mentioned, “I’m so swamped and stressed! But, you know, that’s how the holidays are!” And I was kind of like, “wait, really?” I feel like most years I would have totally agreed with her. But this year I’ve been taking it really, really slowly. And it’s not exactly been a choice. It’s just that I looked around and realized it.  But you know what’s been great? The same way that you are forced to eat dinner more slowly after you’ve just had dental work, and therefore you can taste and enjoy it more–in that same way, I’ve felt Christmas more than I have in years.

The other day I was driving down the street and Celine Dion’s version of O Holy Night came on the radio. I legit started to cry. I had to pull over. “A thrill of hope–the weary world rejoices…” Gets me every single time. And that’s just the beginning of the song. Have you ever sat and listened to the whole thing?

Fall on your knees.

There are several things that are impeding the flow of Holiday Hustle–one of which is the weather. I’m writing to you on December 22 and it’s just finally gotten cold. Until today, I’ve worn my coat exactly one other time this winter. Snow is not even remotely on the radar for Christmas. It’s hard to get in the holiday spirit when it’s 67 degrees outside. At least, in Kansas. I know there are other parts of the world where 67 degrees is totally the norm. I spent one Christmas in Pheonix, AZ and that year it felt like we didn’t even get a Christmas. I felt totally jipped. In much the same way, it’s hard to feel that pressure when it still seems like mid-Autumn.

But mostly, in the past month, I’ve been to two funerals for dearly beloveds. Taken several days off to sit in pajamas, watch Scandal, and eat cereal about it. No hustling. No bustling. No running around. I’ve given myself permission. Just laying low and taking wild amounts of comfort in Christmas music (also a holiday first for me–I normally don’t allow holiday tunes to enter my atmosphere until, like, Christmas eve). When I drive home from work, I have been taking the route with the best twinkle lights (North Maple, McPherson KS). When people come into the store and ask me about suggestions for a person that they’re buying a gift for, I give it my all. I’m living vicariously through them because I can’t really bring myself to buy many presents of my own.  I did make a batch of Christmas treats but, again, that was for my own comfort. My grief produced those peppermint dipped Oreos.

Rumi says that through love, all pain will turn to medicine.

Grief is weird though because when I say it, it sounds like it means that I’m sad. Like I’m crying into the almond bark. And I’m really not because, as we all know, there are stages to grief and life goes on through it all. I’m in the “why are we even doing this to ourselves” phase. Which, while it sounds really Grinchy, is actually the opposite. I’m luxuriating in the atmosphere of this season. I’m sitting in the back of the gym while all the other kids are dancing and drinking punch and getting felt up for the first time. I’m just back here basking in the essence of the school dance. I’m still having the time of my life. I bought a few presents for the people who will be here with me on Christmas day. I went shopping for ingredients to make our traditional Christmas Eve dinner of Beanie Weenies. I’m doing what I can to give my home and my world the atmosphere without catering to the expectations that I don’t care about at all.

Traditions can bring comfort. Traditions can also become expectations that suck every ounce of joy out of the experience. And then you’re left with something that needs to go. Or maybe something that needs to be handed off to someone else. Someone for whom the joy is fresh and clean. Take what serves you and let go of the rest.

And rest.

My grief is not new. I’ve been in mourning for nearly a year now. I know, you might think it’s shitty to make this “political”but for me what is personal is political for some. So here we are. And, truly, I’ve been in various stages of mourning since the election. I mean, look, 2017 doesn’t give you enough time to get over one thing before throwing something fresh and wounding at you. My heart still hurts over the Muslim travel ban and the way I sat at my computer gape-mouthed and weeping as I watched protestors flood airports to say, “Look, I’ll put my body on the line for you.”

In the past few months, the flood of #metoo brought forth a whole new wave of horrors. Some new and some old–reopened like wounds that we thought had healed but we just learned to limp with them. As women, we’re drowning in one another’s stories. I feel like I only just barely made it onto dry ground and I’m just laying on the beach gasping for air. And I look around and my sisters are here with me, and we’re battered and soaked to the bone but we made it out. At least for now, until the tide comes in again. But at least we’re together.

So this grief is not new–it’s been added to recently but it’s not new. It’s little extra things added to the backpack–and then you keep walking. You just keep walking. And it’s getting really heavy and I’ve had to stop and rest a lot more often lately. Sometimes even rearrange the things in this bag. Perhaps one day I’ll figure out how I can lay it down without abandoning everything that I hold dear but for now I have to be selective about what I can carry. And the weight of expectations and obligations surrounding the holidays does not fit in my Jansport this year. That’s simply too bulky a thing to add.

Saying no to certain things has completely freed me in a significant way. I’m taking charge of what is important to me and if something is important to someone else, that’s their thing to tend to.

This holiday season is for tidings of comfort and joy–comfort and joy. My comfort is  beanie weenies, blankets, and making sure we’re all stocked up on packets of apple cider mix. My joy is quieting enough to let myself be moved. The weary world rejoices.

I love you. I hope you’re feeling–really living in this season.

XOXO, Lib

Photo by Joanna Kosinska on Unsplash

I feel like it’s been a minute since I wrote here and I owe you. But I can’t get my mind to settle in one place long enough to come up with anything too life-changing. So let’s just explore all the different things, shall we?

Grief: We’ll start with this–my Grandfather passed away this past Sunday. I felt lucky that Ryan and I were able to make the drive that morning to visit him and my Grandmother in their shared room at the nursing home where they’ve been living the past few months. It was important to me that we get to go see him since all my siblings live so far away and there was no way they’d be able to make it. I wanted Grandma and Grandpa to feel loved by all of us even if it was by proxy.

It was about a year and a half ago that we heard that Grandpa only had several weeks left, so we have been lucky to have holidays and birthdays since his diagnosis and his death wasn’t the ultimate shock. But it did still kind of feel like it came out of nowhere–especially following the death of Ryan’s grandfather only a few weeks ago. It is a lot of grief all at once and that on top of the seasonal depression that generally pops up during this time of year, and the general state of the world… I’ve had to give myself extra space and time to just let myself feel the way I’m feeling without judgement at all. Let myself bake a chocolate cake with the full intention of not sharing it. Let myself put work aside and watch the entire new season of Easy in one day. It’s fine. Today I’ll put on jeans and take the dog for a walk. I’ll get back into it. Grief is complicated. Grandpa wasn’t a part of my everyday life but his illness has been running in the background of my brain for the past year and a half and at a certain point you’re feeling really regretful about things that you didn’t expect and you have to just allow that because not fighting it is how you move through it like getting out of quicksand.
A few weeks ago, after Ryan’s grandfather died, I asked my sister in law how she was doing. She said, “I don’t want to miss anything. I just want to feel it all.” And I thought that was one of the most brave things I’ve ever heard in my whole life. To willingly and eagerly feel it all–and it’s a lot. And I want it, too.

Roy Moore: It’s a complicated feeling to feel relief that the pedophile that was running for senate didn’t win. Because I’m also really heartbroken that he was allowed to run in the first place and I’m angry that he lost by such a narrow margin. That’s… disgusting to me. They never tell you that part of growing up is seeing how little the people in charge really care about human life. I heard people say that, you know, regardless of what he did or didn’t do, we need a republican in his senate seat. It’s heartbreaking that we would value party over people. Which, I mean, sure, you think that because I’m not a republican it’s easy for me to say that.

But the Democrats just lost Al Franken–who was doing really good and important work. But, honestly, I feel like good fuckin’ riddance to that guy. Because people are more important than politics. That photo of him miming grabbing the breasts of a sleeping woman sends chills down my spine and makes my throat clench. There are a lot of liberal men on my Facebook wall saying that we shouldn’t make Franken resign and they’re all “RIP Al Franken” and that just really grinds my gears. Because how can we expect people of other parties to take care of their own if we’re not willing to do it? Lead by example and what not.
While we’re on the subject, Franken’s announcement of his resignation was an infuriating pity party full of “what I did wasn’t that bad” and “how come the other guys get to keep their jobs?” Come on, dude. You’re a grown adult. I can’t begin to list the various disappointments in this area.

&/Both: Both as a practice and as, you know, the magazine. It’s all I think about. There’s a lot of hard, sad, angry things in my life right now. But you know what else? It’s also Christmas time. And I’m actively getting into the Christmas spirit. The other night after we left Grandpa, we drove around our town and looked at the Christmas lights. I always felt like without kids, Christmas isn’t as fun but that’s really all a matter of perspective. Kids make it easier because they’re so quick to be amazed but you can be amazed all on your own. With a cup of hot cider in your hand and O’ Holy Night on the radio–you can fall on your knees if you let your heart go to that place.

As far as the magazine goes–we’re looking for art to fill our pages. We’re going to talk all about bodies in the next issue. What they look like, what they feel like, how they’re politicized, what they’re capable of, what they do without us even knowing it… if you have any thoughts on this or any art related to this please talk to me.
And if you want to support us, we can talk about advertising. If you don’t have anything to advertise but still want to support us, you know we’ll take it. We need help to get this thing off the ground. We want nothing more than to be able to pay our artists but we need help to get there. So, if women-owned art is the kind of thing you want to support–hit me up.

Thanks for being here for me, showing up for me. You’re wonderful people and I’m grateful to have you.

XOXO, Lib

If you’re anything like me, you love a good gift guide. Cup of Jo does the very best so I won’t even try to compete. But as much as I love a good gift guide, I’ve almost never ever followed one. For the bloggers in the room who aren’t making six figures… or even three figures… gift giving season comes with challenges. I wish that I could give beautiful presents to everyone that I love so dearly. I also wish that I could give generous contributions to everyone that I feel like deserves it! As an independent artist and an employee at a beautiful, small business, I’ve developed a newfound passion for supporting people who are pursuing their dreams. I’ve found how far even $5 can go when you tuck it into the hands of someone who could really use it.

So I have for you, the only gift guide that I’ll write this year. Every item on this list pulls double duty. That means that you’ll cross that gift off your list AND you’ll be using your money to do good. Either by supporting causes that you can get behind or by helping to support an artist/ local small business in keeping their doors open and keeping funds in your local community. This post is not sponsored at all–I just want to inspire you to think about where your money is going this holiday season. So here we go with something you want, something you need, something to wear and something to read.

SOMETHING THEY WANT

Help an independent artist: Does your giftee love podcasts? Ask for a list of her favorites and buy her some swag in support of them! For me, I’d love a tote bag from My Favorite Murder or this sweet accessories kit from What Should I Read Next.

Buy local: Craft Coffee in McPherson, KS has the best swag I’ve ever seen. It’s high quality stuff that you’ll want whether you like coffee or not. This hat? Come on. Gimme.
Or further down the street, pop into Fox and Ash and see what they’ve got available because their shit is dope as hell. There’s just no other way to say it.

Support a do-good organization: I love and believe in the work that Noonday is doing. Have you heard about it? I’ll talk to you a little bit more about the work of Noonday in an upcoming post but in the meantime, I’ve had my own eye on this editor necklace for a little while now.

SOMETHING THEY NEED

Help an independent artist: Who isn’t constantly looking for the perfect travel mug? I love the these from a local artist, Daisy Friesen, here in McPherson! Follow her on Instagram, too, to see behind the scenes of all the work that goes into her beautiful pieces!
Get your girl friend a super unique self-care experience by setting her up with an incredible photographer. Kinzie Ferguson, The Empowerment Photographer, is based out of Kansas City and does such incredible work. She’s so easy going and just wants her clients to recognize their own beauty and world-changing badassery.

Buy local: If you’re in the Central Kansas area looking for something both functional (think: clothes, blankets, food, dishes) and unique, check out Connected Fair Trade. I go to the Lindsborg store but there are shops in Salina and Manhattan as well! No matter where you live, shopping local is going to give your person a gift that’s unlike anything anywhere else and you’re going to help someone local be able to provide for their loved ones during the holidays as well!

Support a do-good organization: You need holiday cards, right? Or… well, if you’re a certain kind of person, you’re going to need holiday cards. Check out these beautiful options I found on Chani Nicholas’ website, “100% of profits from these cards will go directly to FreeFrom, a nationwide organization creating spaces for healing and economic justice for survivors of domestic violence.”

SOMETHING TO WEAR

Help an independent artist: A Little Papery out of KC has designed this t-shirt that is both stunning and hilarious, somehow. Check out the rest of her site, too, because her art is exquisite.
Fellow Kansas blogger gal, Fat Girl Flow, just released her next line of merch after her Fat Bitch T-Shirt went viral! I pre-ordered my Fat Babe sweatshirt and I can’t wait to snuggle down in that darling all winter long. Let me tell you, fat people almost NEVER have access to wearable merch so I’m thrilled to throw my money at something like this.

Buy local: Head over to Hutchinson and check out Eliza Moonbeam Vintage. Azarah’s shop is gorgeous and her inventory is incredible. Follow her on Instagram to see her latest stuff. All the heart-eye-cat emojis.
If you happen to get there before Eliza opens for the day, head next door to Bluebird Books and grab one of their sweet, sweet, “Read books. Drink coffee. Fight evil.” t-shirts.

Support a do-good organization: My Sister has the best in Feminist t-shirts and their slogan is “fighting sex trafficking one shirt at a time.” I personally love their most recent partnership with Amber Tamblyn.
Another shop that I love to support is Unlock Hope. 100% of their profits provide equal access to education and healthcare to women and refugees. Their shirts are also super soft and accommodate a wide-ish range.

SOMETHING TO READ

Help an independent artist: Did you think I’d let this go by without plugging our magazine &/Both? Come on, you know me better than that. If there’s an art, poetry, women-owned-business lover on your list, stuff their stockings with a copy!

Buy local: Come to McPherson and knock out a lot of the people on your list on the cheap. Twice Told Tales’ tag line is “beautiful used books”. They’re lovely. And they’ll help you pick out something great for anyone on your list. Trust me, I work there, and that’s one of my most favorite parts of the job.

Support a do-good organization: Preemptive Love by Jeremy Courtney. “Jeremy and Jessica Courtney moved to Iraq in the middle of the war. The came face-to-face with the heartbreaking legacy of violence: thousands of children dying for lack of medical care. Preemptive Love is the firsthand account of their work saving lives on the frontlines—fueled by the discovery that the only way to unmake violence is to love first.” The Preemptive Love Coalition is one of the few charities that I give to every month. They do work that I believe in with my whole heart and one of their driving principles is “love anyway”.

BONUS! SOMETHING TO EAT

Help an independent artist: Get your coffee from Pennant Coffee Roasters (McPherson, KS) or R&R Roasters (Hutchinson, KS) and support young business people who are making the dream work.

Buy local: Gift Certificates are key. Treat your friends to a hoagie or bowl of delicious, vegan chili at Noffy’s Sandwich Shop and Pub on Main Street, McPherson, KS. They also have fantastic cocktails. Last time I was in there, Ryan had a Chai Spiced White Russian. What are you even waiting for?

Support a do-good organization: Every time you purchase form Love With Food, they donate to a food bank!

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And if you absolutely must order from Amazon (I get it, I really do)–let your dollar stretch by using an affiliate link!
A lot of artists and bloggers, like me, are a part of Amazon’s affiliate program. That means that if you buy anything through a specific link provided by the artist, at no additional cost to you, that artist receives a percentage of the sales made. A few family members of mine have even book marked my Amazon link so that everything they buy from Amazon sends a portion my way. I’m not saying that you have to use MY link but you can if you want to. And if you know of another blogger that you want to support, ask them if they have one! And if they don’t, shoot them a few bucks via PayPal. I can’t tell you the confidence booster that it is when someone asks for ways to support me financially because they believe in my work. It’s truly an incredible, tank-filling feeling.

Please, please enjoy this holiday season. Take what’s working for you and leave the rest. Know that you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. Gifting is expensive! Let’s get creative and opt out when we can/ when we want to.

XOXO, Lib

Lead Photo by Manuel Will on Unsplash

Wow. November sure flew by, huh? I guess we’re in that time of the year, though, where everything starts to just pile on and pile on until it’s all over. Which is great as far as I’m concerned because Winter isn’t my most favorite season.
Come along with me on a journey of the highlights of this past month. Just a heads up, first, some links contained in this post are affiliate links. That means that if you purchase anything directly from those links, at no additional cost to you, I’ll get a little bit to buy a coffee while I’m writing up my next post. Thanks for supporting the companies that help to support little bloggers like me.  Continue reading “November Things” →