The topic for today’s #xoxoselfie challenge is Fake It Till You Make It. And at first I couldn’t think of anything to post. I had whatever the Instagram version of writer’s block is. My main thought was, “I can’t afford to fake anything right now.”
Truth is that I’m feeling a little bit low. A few weeks ago, I was talking to a friend about how when we go through something exciting, once we’re on the other end of it we can tend to get kind of inexplicably sad feeling despite how happy we really are in the long run. I don’t think that happens to everyone but it definitely happens to me. There’s been a ton of prep and now that it’s over—woosh… feelings come in. It happened after our wedding. For a few weeks after we came back to real life, I felt very low. Very sad. And that’s when I think I really learned that feelings aren’t very trustworthy. They’re valid—don’t get me wrong. But they wax and wane. And they roll in and out like the tide. So I want to tell you why I can’t afford to fake it till I make it, today. Not today.
I want to be the kind of person who can pull off the ripped-jeans and chunky sweater look. I want to be the kind of person who remembers to send birthday cards and the kind of person who tips well. I want to be the kind of friend who puts her phone away when she is catching up with people or having dinner with her husband.
And I’m going to become that person by pretending that I am that person until I am that person.
I will rip my jeans. I will set alerts in my Google calendar to remind me of birthdays and stock up on stamps. I will add a little extra when I’m figuring up 20% and I will keep my phone in my purse. I will do these things because in doing so, I will become the type of person that I want to be. We are what we repeatedly do, after all. Right, Aristotle? I will be her because I am in charge of me and I can do whatever I want.
I want to be the kind of person who is never afraid and never has trouble getting off the couch for four days at a time. I want to be the kind of person who deals really well with change and doesn’t ever struggle when the people she loves struggle. I want to be the kind of person who knows exactly what she’s feeling and has all the right words to express it accurately. I want to be the kind of woman who is quick to forgive. But forgiving right away hasn’t always proven to be the most healthy thing for my soul in the past.
These are going to take a little bit more effort than just downloading an app or pulling on a different pair of jeans. This is going to take work—real work. Years’ worth of work. Maybe even with the aid of hired, professional helpers. This isn’t something you can fake because faking this will hurt you. Faking this will squelch you. Faking this will ruin you—listen to me.
I can’t become that person by faking it. I can only become that person by being the person who makes a lot of little efforts and who celebrates those efforts. I can become that person by being the person who gets some fresh air, today. And who gets an extra glass of water and who goes to bed at a little earlier tonight. I can only be that person if I am the person who calls the pharmacy and re-fills her medication and reaches out to her tribe every day.
I can not be the person that I want to be by ignoring the journey. I can’t get from Point A to Point B without traveling that line in between. I will be her because I am in charge of me and I can do whatever I want.
What type of person do you want to be?