I started out my summer with goals that I wanted to reach. And to be fair, I really did reach a lot of those goals–you can check out the progress, here. They were very practical and easy to cross off of a list. Did I meet Fiona from the Cincinnati Zoo? No, did I go to the Cincinnati Zoo? I sure did. I met her parents–that counts.
But regardless of what was on my bucket list, this summer has been… full. My summer didn’t care about my expectations. My summer said, “that’s cute–let’s dedicate the next few months to a complete shift in your whole identity, doesn’t that sound fun?” I’m being stretched and pulled in a lot of completely unexpected ways. In ways that I still don’t have words for. I think that’s why I re-started reading and writing poetry this summer–because there’s just not a way to say it without metaphors, and broken up half-thoughts. There’s no way to really describe this beauty and the pain and the confusion and the absolute knowing–the &/Both-ness of life, as it were. I’m holding complete certainty in one hand and a whole dose of “what the fuck” in the other hand and I’m standing out on a ledge like I chased the Roadrunner and I also feel completely held. All at the same time. I’m sorry this isn’t making sense but hey–I don’t wrap up neatly. I’m a dynamic creature.
I keep picturing myself as a house and I feel like I happened upon a secret room that, despite living in this house for nearly 34 years, I had never noticed before. One day I’ll tell you about whats inside of this room. Even though everything in my life is for everyone–some things are mine, first. There is a season.
Last night we (the creators of &/Both Magazine) had a photo shoot. I’d kind of been dreading it because I’ve been wrestling with, like I said, identity issues. The idea of taking these photos–specifically to be used as an introduction at this exact moment in my life when I’m feeling not uncomfortably unsettled but unsettled nonetheless was sort of stressing me out.
But like anything I do, I give you who I am right now. Who I am, today. I am in a constant state of transition from one person to another to another to another.
And also, as you can see, that photo shoot was friggin’ awesome. Once I arrived, I felt so at ease. I felt so happy and excited. I’ve never felt so comfortable in front of a camera, before. Driving home, listening to Lemonade, I was riding so high. Talking to Beyonce like she’s in the car with me, “Girl, yes, best revenge is your paper! You better get that paper!” I texted my husband and invited him out to a bar for a drink just because I wasn’t ready to put this look to bed just yet.
In conclusion, things are incredible. And scary. And huge. And simple. And evolving. And I’m here for it–all of it.